Please Excuse My Social Absence

            It’s not you, it’s me. No, really, it’s me. My famous last words, or more like my personal motto for the past several years – one that I was not always proud of, but one that I have learned to accept. As a mother of four children, my schedule has changed quite drastically since the birth of baby #1. With the first two children, life was relatively carefree. "Carefree" in a loose definition of the word. Yes, there were struggles; I learned how to breastfeed my babies, while also adjusting to the lack of sleep, but for the most part, life was simple. There was still plenty of time to meet friends for morning coffee, lunch, and even pedicures. It was relatively easy to find a babysitter for two kids, or even bring them along. But as each beautiful new baby joined our family, adjustments were made and it became difficult for me with four little ones to accept social invitations.

            Everyday tasks that had once been easy, now needed much more planning and occupied double the time with four children at my heels. I wanted desperately to visit with friends and have non-interrupted moments while discussing a book in a mom’s group, but this was not my world any longer and I needed to accept it. I dreamed of a night out with my friends, sans kids. It wasn’t easy to put myself first anymore, actually there was no time for myself, especially with an on-demand nursing baby. I always had good intentions, but when the clock started ticking and it was only an hour or two before meeting friends, I was just too exhausted. It sounded more enticing to get these little ones to bed and enjoy a quiet evening home with my husband. It’s not you, it’s me.

There reaches a point in every mom’s life when it is no longer easy to leave the house with those little bundles of joy. For some moms, the magic number might be one, for others it might be three, but for me it was four. I am still in awe of those supermoms who take all five children out for dinner. I salute, YOU! I just wasn’t one of those supermoms and the thought of bringing my four children, three of them rambunctious boys, out to a girls' lunch felt like a daunting task. So I decided it was best not to risk the potential failure.

It wasn’t easy for me to pass on these social invitations. Those “good times” with my friends had at one time been memorable, now I just couldn’t get myself out the front door. Caring for my wonderful children all day long was exhausting and there was very little energy to muster up for myself. I was upset at myself that I couldn’t juggle it all. Why didn’t my little ones want to spend a quiet morning at the coffee shop nibbling on a pastry? Then I had an awakening – I wanted to stay home with my little family. I preferred to stay home and make breakfast with those little happy faces rather than getting everyone packed up and to the coffee shop by 8:00 a.m.

            So for all of those frustrated women that rarely see their “mom friends". It really, truly isn’t you, it’s just the way of motherhood. Don’t stop the invitations, because one day, that mom will be able to find the energy after a long day and sleepless night to spend much needed time with her close friends. She will finally find a night to have a little bit of “me time.”

Friendship may be a two-way street, but my children bring an entirely different perspective. There will be one day when I can fulfill each one of those social obligations that I once loved, but for now I am quite content spending these fleeting moments with my children while they are still young. I don't want to miss these carefree days of childhood.

    

Letting Go of My Organized Life

There are so many phases of life and each one brings many changes and unforeseen circumstances. Growing up, small children dream of adulthood, and they envision the thought of getting older to be fun and adventurous, and even though there is some truth to this, there is definitely not that level of carefree blindness that many anticipate.

My whole life has been planned, pretty much by myself, it's just my personality. This is a strong characteristic of my choleric temperament. I love to plan my days, my weekends, and even envision the next five years. Yes, I am one of those nerds who enjoys buying a pocket calendar and happily keeps a record of each upcoming month. Prior to four children this portable calendar probably wasn't necessary, but now it is a crucial part of my day, no longer just a cute accessory. Honestly, how could anyone keep an entire family's schedule only in their head?

Lily Pulitzer Calendar

My overly scheduled A-type personality, brought quite an adjustment into adulthood, in more particular, motherhood. I am not referring to the transition from college into a career, because those were the glory years. That was a time when I could try new things, enjoy my life with my husband. Those "honeymoon" years brought beautiful children, the opportunity to stay home with the kiddos, and many other exciting adventures. The difficulty came when I realized that it was impossible to plan out my life. Extremely structured schedules were just not possible with many small children. Schedules were needed with the children, but flexibility was paramount. My once perfectly planned schedule was now a thing of the past. I was only trying to stay above the rising tide and sometimes completely forgot about that little pocket calendar, until I missed an important appointment or meeting. A bit of humility never hurt anyone...

It was at this same time that I realized I needed to let go. Life was hard, really hard with small children, but neither would I trade any of it for the whole world, not even for my perfectly organized pocket calendar. I didn't need to be organized or right on schedule, even though it still drives me bananas when we are running late. What I needed was to start enjoying the life. A life full of chaos, happiness, frustrations, and pure exhaustion. This was the good life and it was only until I let go of that little pocket calendar (an overly structured schedule) that life began to have more meaning. I was able to focus more on my husband and my family, instead of the plans for the weekend. My daughter has this "planner" type of personality, which is a great trait, but I have also reminded her (and myself) that it's important to be flexible and let go!

Living in the Moment - Not in the Future

I'm here to let you know, that I'm all in. All in for what, you may ask? I'm all in for life, for my life! I'm very much a goal orientated person, and I thrive on a challenge and achieving the end result, but I also have a choleric temperament, so I get impatient fairly quickly. Unfortunately, this forces me to have several goals at one time, maybe too many. I'm one of those people who read 10 books at once, because they are all too enticing to not be opened immediately. Isn't the best part of reading a book the beginning and the end? I know, I'm weird, I don't prefer the climax... Well, I have learned that this impatient approach to the challenges of my life isn't doing me any good and is actually inhibits me from focusing.

It was after the birth of my fourth child that I realized I could not keep running through life in circles. I needed to stop chasing "challenges" outside my everyday existence, because believe me, baby #4 was a challenge, a huge challenge! Let's just say he loved to cry...all day long...and still does off and on. But this forced me to rethink my daily goals and to start focusing on what was in front of me. It also forced me to truly discover what I love to do in my free time, which of course there isn't a lot of free time, so I needed to choose wisely. Not what I would love to do if I lived 30 different lives, but what could I do right now in this life. What fit best with our growing family of little ones running around. I needed to step away from my entrepreneurial goals (just for now) and relieve the unneeded stress. I needed to find moments I could enjoy with the children without worrying the laundry or dishes were not finished, yes, that's my A-Type personality and it sure is difficult to overcome those tendencies. And after many months of turmoil, I realized, no matter how tough it was being with my overachieving 7 year old (I have no idea where she gets it...) or my preschooler and toddler who fight, or the crying baby all day long, it was the only place I wanted to be. I didn't want anything else. It was extremely difficult for me to come to this conclusion, yet when the realization came to me, it was the easiest to accept.


For some reason, I had spent the last several years, believing I wasn't doing enough. I wasn't the best wife or mother or friend or member of society. I felt that I had been given so much, so I needed to accomplish more each day, but that is so far from the truth. I can't believe that was my thought process. I'm so happy and blessed to be a mom, and right now, at this phase is my life, that is exactly what I want to do (besides finishing my novel and a few freelance writing jobs on the side! Hey, I can't give up all my goals - writing is where I relieve stress). Even though I may have found a balance with my family, (yes, I know, everyone is trying to find a balance, especially moms), the desire to always have a goal will never go away. So now I use my children more as my goals, then my businesses. Aren't we all trying to raise good and efficient members of society? They are our future after all, and if we don't invest in them, the outcome might not be so pretty.

Motherhood has allowed me to take my choleric temperament and to find my many flaws. It's o.k. to focus solely on my children as a stay-at-home mom. This isn't for everyone, but this is for me. I have discovered that my stress level is less, my family is happier, and I have learned to love every aspect of my life, even the crazy parts, like when someone builds a castle with all my couch cushions or the boys wrestling and break a decorative plate, but I have found that balance. It isn't a balance where I can juggle everything, that's a misconception. It's a balance where I can focus on the things that are necessary at this specific phase in my life. The things that mean the most, the things that I love. Maybe it will change in the future, actually, I know it will change in the future. But I'm not looking at the future, I'm actually exhausted looking towards the future. There's definitely a truth to only "living in the moment". Don't get me wrong, my husband and I still have to plan for the future, but I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Now I can focus on the here and now. I have finally found my balance and I'm all in!